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Adam McLean
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Adam M. Couns. Grad Dip Psych/Couns. BCHC, BN. PACFA Reg CM CAPA utilises the Existential approach to psychotherapy in his work with individuals, couples and groups at his private practice in Sydney. With over 20 years experience, he also teaches and trains counsellors at two leading private counsellor training institutes, the Jansen Newman Institute and the Australian College of Applied Psychology.
Beginning his career in Scotland as a Psychiatric Nurse, Adam then developed a long association with people affected by mental illness and cancer, their families and carers. He moved to Australia in 1988 and has since developed strong links with many organisations and services while building his private practice Change Happens.
Adam is passionate about his work with others. He has worked with the Gay and Lesbian Community, is an accredited counsellor with the National Carer Counselling Program, and is familiar in working with clients experiencing cancer, mental and chronic illness and disabilities. Adam is also a Reiki practitioner.
For more information
www.changehappens.com.au |
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Never take your arguments to the bedroom |
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Keep the bedroom sacred
As a couple, taking your arguments or worries to the bedroom is a common issue. But when you and your loved one have a disagreement and go to bed without resolution or agreement – or without even agreeing to disagree – you can find that your bed becomes crowded.
Issues such as financial worries, parenting problems, job demands or miscommunication begin to dominate. Your bedroom is no longer your own.
The bedroom
Notice how your bedroom is more than just a room where you rest and sleep? The bedroom is a place of intimacy, warmth, safety, comfort, a place to relax and a place where the rest of the world is shut out. For most it’s a place that is safe and private.
Some people describe their bedroom as a sanctuary – a place away from everything and everyone – a place where they can be themself. For couples it’s a place of intimacy and in later years it can be a place of comfort and solitude.
Sleep on it
Consider, for example, the popular expression: “sleep on it, things will be different in the morning”. Sleep allows your mind to be creative in dreams and increase your ability to have insight and to problem solve. Sleep also allows your unconscious to work through issues by tapping into your large pool of memories.
The unconscious allows us to remember before the conscious part catches up. In the sleep state we have the freedom to explore and, where possible, make sense of the sensory information we absorb every day. This includes any arguments, fears or concerns.
My own mother – who wasn’t one to offer advice very often – once gave my brothers and myself this one piece of advice: “never take your argument to the bedroom”. How many nights have you carried your argument, animosity, worry or hurt to the bedroom, wishing that it was resolved? Perhaps you had agreed not to speak about your situation but yet went to bed still feeling the force of your disagreement. You probably lay in bed finding sleep difficult to come, tossing and turning and wishing for comfort and closeness with your partner.
So how do you manage to keep your bedroom a place of warmth and safety – let alone intimacy – when you are worried, upset or feeling angry with your partner?
Hug till you relax
It can be difficult to go to bed with the person you love when you are angry, even when the dispute doesn’t have an immediate answer or solution. Dr. David Schnarch writes about couples needing to hug till they relax. In order to connect with your partner when you are in dispute, you need to be willing to go inward first to make a connection with yourself in order to go outwards and make a connection with your partner.
Hugging till you relax involves four basic steps:
- Stand on your own two feet
- Put your arms around your partner
- Focus on yourself
- Quiet yourself down – way down
The real power of hugging till you relax comes in “being connected with your partner yet being separate and responsible for your own emotional well-being”. (Schnarch 1997:157-164)
Hugging someone can tell you so much about your relationship with the person. For example, the way a person hugs, how long the hug lasts, whether there are pats or slaps on the back, how quickly a person breaks the hug, who breaks away first, and so on. We have all had hugs that allow us to surrender and hugs that are quick and over before they begin.
When you are in dispute with your loved one and want to sleep, hugging till you relax can help. It allows both parts of the relationship to physically connect; it allows each person to self-sooth, to connect emotionally, to quieten (possibly still) oneself and to maintain a sense of closeness to your partner. It can also remind you of what attracted you to your partner in the first place.
In connecting with one another you will be able to put aside your differences. You might not wholly resolve the issue, but you will at least connect and give yourselves the opportunity to be in bed ‘together’ and to move towards sleep.
The bedroom needs to remain a sanctuary where you can feel safe. Make a decision today with your partner that no matter what happens, you will find ways of staying connected even, when you don’t feel like it. Try hugging till you relax as a way of connecting, especially when you are in dispute and just before you go to sleep!
Reference
Schnarch, D. (1997) A Passionate Marriage – keeping love and intimacy alive in committed relationships. Victoria: Scribe Publications. |
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